Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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