apparently the secret to your success is patron
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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