did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
