if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
