so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
