I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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