I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
