I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
