What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
