they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
