Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What a dumb baby whore.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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