I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
nutella sex= disaster
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
