wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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