I faked an abortion last night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
