he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
