Banned from zoo.
Again?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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