I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
