Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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