please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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