Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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