In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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