I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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