I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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