I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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