She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
