You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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