I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
