dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
