I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
