i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
