he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
