I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
