I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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