I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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