fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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