The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
