The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
