I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
