but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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