Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
