Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
