We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
