pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When are your genitals available?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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