Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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