everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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