you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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