I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
