Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
