Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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