Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We have started to decorate penises.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
