my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We're too hungover to prance.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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