I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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