Porn is love you can see.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.